I only have like...2 weeks before I'm gone. I never pay this site any attention anymore. I don't read anyone's entries, I don't respond to comments...I'm a perfectly horrid lj user. But there are so many things paddling about in my head right now.
I have all this new stuff. I have my own checking account and will soon have a debit card. I have a laptop with a cute little wireless mouse, and apparently I'll soon have a printer. I'm still getting all my music onto itunes, and there are already 4 thousand, 2 hundred and something songs on there. I have a new backpack. My mom is sewing me a new purse out of a pair of denim shorts with hot pink embroidery I loved to wear and will never fit in again no matter how much weight I lose because my hips are permanently a certain width. She's also quilting me a duvet out of fabrics I picked out. It'll be like this cosmic explosion straight out of rainbow brite.
I've been assigned an FYS (First Year Seminar) that is writing about music. I'm going to study people like Lester Bangs. I'm figuring maybe the rest of my fall course load should be modern dance, intro to psych, and math just to get it out of the way.
I am talking to so many people who will be at school with me. We have this whole big community on facebook, see. A hundred or so girls who haven't met yet. I've been connected to my roommate of whom I know a very few solid facts, like she's from Chicago, and she was raised Jewish. I've seen a picture, and I know she has brown hair and brown eyes. I know less solid things as well, like music she likes, movies she enjoys, and a few attitudes she has. She seems like someone I can very well live with. She actually seems infinitely cooler than I am. I am placed on a 2nd floor hall with a bunch of lively girls, several of whom I have much in common with. I've also been assigned a Scottie Sister. They do this thing where they pair all the fresh(wo)men with juniors. I'm not sure what the big sisters' jobs entail besides just generally helping us settle into college life and doing stuff sometimes. My Scottie Sister is a very enthusiastic skinny girl on student Senate who also seems like someone I'll get along with famously. She posted on my facebook wall and called me "little sister." For some reason, I really like that. It's very...comforting. I've kind of always been the big sister.
I don't have the sort of nagging sentimentality so many girls boast right before college. As ill-prepared as I feel, I am very emotionally ready for college. More like emotionally impatient. I am worried about leaving some people behind. Not so much my family. They're really sort of everlasting. But people like Squid and Sue. I'll go to another world, and they'll remain in this one. Going on to new things is wonderful, and I haven't done it in a very long time...but every time I go on to new things, old things fade against my will. I don't like it. At all.
The idea of me and males is always floating about, and it hasn't been in the forefront for a while. I'm not exactly sure when it happened, but some time not too long after I saw him for the first time in 2 years, I finally let go of Jordan. There will always be a little bit of pain with regards to him, but I am finally able to say, "To hell with Jordan." I don't hate him, but I am not going to try anymore. Because he hardly ever tried. And I don't mean romantically. I just mean connection. We had it briefly. But it's gone, and I will mourn it, but I won't try to recover it. He might have had my heart these past 2 years all together without my having really known it. But now he doesn't. And I don't ever want to love anyone ever again who makes me feel so unimpressive.
I have no idea what to expect from guys when I get to school. I have no idea what to expect of myself. I'm just tired of trying to impress and failing. I just want to have fun. I want to lose that switch I turn on that commands: "Be cool. Behave. Worry about what other people think...because it's probably bad."
To everyone who makes me feel like that: to hell with you.
Oh, the wheel is turning.
Jul. 10th, 2007 @ 03:51 am
You spend some time alone, you watch a few movies, and you start slipping into that way of thinking again.
Then you snap out of it.
Or at least you try.
Ok, so I haven't updated in like two months, and...like always, either something amazing or something shitty has to happen to induce it.
I want to get the negative shit out of the way first.
I have to be unbelievably spoiled or something, because right now I am on the verge of meltdown simply because I cannot attend a free Avett Brothers show in Quaker Village right now (this WOULD be the only day since I got my damn car that it's not at my disposal). And it just feels like a lot of things I envy other people can't happen to me. Probably half my friends have been to one of those huge concert festivals: Bonnaroo, Lollapalooza, Warped Tour, etc. And I never have, and there's a .09% chance at most that I can this summer. It's a reasonably normal high school experience, isn't it? Yes, I'm fucking spoiled to think that I somehow deserve to do things like this rather than to be ever-so-thankful when they happen. And what are my complaints? I mean, I saw Jay Clifford at the Cat's Cradle like a week or two ago (which was WONDERFUL for the most part), and I'm going to see House of Fools on Friday, and Mitchell says he'll make sure we see Feist when she comes through, y'know? But I guess the angst of not seeing Regina Spektor, The Decemberists, The Shins, Ted Leo and the Pharmacists, and Schuyler FIsk/Joshua Radin (I'm probably forgetting someone, too) when there are such clear missed opportunities is getting to me. This is just another. Not to mention I hate the feeling of getting dressed up for nothing (I was in a dress with a ribbon in my hair looking for earrings when I realized my car wasn't here). Also, while I can occassionally get out and do something social with somebody, most of the time, I feel out of the loop. I haven't seen a movie with anyone but my family since Tara's family took me to Night At the Museum, and I can't remember when anyone went to a movie with me before then. I see people's prom pictures all over myspace and facebook, and I never did that (I went sophomore year with a group last minute, only half counts), and I never will. What do I care if I don't take some non-existent boy to a dance with a buttonhole I pricked my finger pinning on him while my parents snapped pictures at constant speed? But I do care. I fucking admit it. I care that I never had a prom dress, never had a prom date, never had massive albums of the event. I care. On top of all of this...negative energy, I have more negative energy I can't explain. I couldn't get up this morning for reasons I can't pinpoint. This is my last full week of school, and I couldn't get up! WTF?!!!
Graduation can't come soon enough. And that's in like 2 weeks. That is pretty cool. I'll finally stop being a high school student after 5 years. And I'm going to college at Agnes Scott. Did I tell you that? I'm headed to a pretty supreme women's college in Decatur, GA to start a new life in August. That's worth celebrating. I also have a bunch of people I haven't seen in a very long time lined up to see this summer, though there are no definite plans. I just...want to stop waiting for my life to start.
Accompanying Melody: "Going Numb"-Tin Cup Prophette
Side note: fuck Valentine's Day.
Accompanying Melody: "Be Be Your Love"-Rachael Yamagata
I have been irrationally on edge slash depressed for a few days now. This is not without explanation. I am due for my period really soon. But still, I never feel this messed up. Not anymore. On the way to school today, I had to tell my dad to turn back. He was asking me what was wrong, and I had a tough time wording it. The best word I could use was "pressure." Like I had a personal levee, and it was close to being breached. I started feeling a little crazy. When we turned back, the pressure subsided a little, but I still felt horrible. I felt so heavy. I started thinking about my old habits. Now nobody get alarmed and lecture me here. I'm starting to believe that self mutilation is an addiction, and, like any other addiction: once an addict, always an addict. No matter how much self control I've gained since last year, there will always be times when revisiting my wrist will seem appealing. I won't act on it. I didn't act on it today. I just wondered at how, at this time, I could possibly feel like doing that. I especially don't want to feel this bad right before my birthday (which is Saturday...consequently the same day as the ARISE community day...goodie). Ugh. I'm not incapable of a smile today, but it just feels like any one thing could send me over the edge. I want to switch off my brain.
Ok, so I went to the dmv today with my permits, proof of insurance, and CAR (whose name is now Simone), and I learned a particularly stupid quirk in the system. No, Lily was not licensed today. Why? Because the state of North Carolina requires that the insurance have your name on it (it was my father's plan, which was to include me somehow?). So now my parents have to buy a new policy for me, get a new proof, and all that. Because of this, I probably won't get my license before I'm 19. Ugh. I also think there's something seriously wrong with this legally. I think it's one of the rules they put in place to curb illegal immigrants, but there's a pretty innate flaw. Having to be insured in some way makes sense...but having to be insured specifically to your name means you have to have a car, be it your own or your family's or whatever. You should not be required to have a car to be a licensed driver. That's a small injustice in my opinion. Anyway, there's my rant about that.
In other news I WILL be 19th on Saturday the 10th. I want to have a party, but my parents aren't keen. They're worried about getting the house clean, money, invasion of space, etc. It's a bit upsetting. My last birthday celebration involving other people than my family was when I was 14, and this is the last birthday I'll probably ever have at home. You know, living at home. All my high school birthdays have been dinner with the family, a couple presents, and pretty much no significance. I'd like for once for the anniversary of my existence to mean something. Maybe that's a selfish idea. But I'd like to think it's an event. With only one weekend in between now and then, though, I begin to despair.
I also need to arrange my visit to Hampshire College right soon. My pet theory is my dad and I drive up one Saturday, stay the night, visit some friends in Boston and Cambridge Sunday, then drive up to Hampshire and have a tour/interview/class/etc. on Monday. I'd only miss a day of school, and I want to get up there when classes are going on. I haven't brought this up with Dad yet. If y'all know my parents, you understand. Planning trips just for me isn't impossible, but they make it feel like it is up until the point we actually leave the house.
I recently did a solid listening to the words from Death Cab's "Marching Bands of Manhattan." You know how you listen to a song all the time, and the lyrics will sink in later most of the time? They sank in yesterday. I admire them a lot for just the words and how they're put together, but then I also relate a lot. I was surprised to suddenly relate to a song I'd been casually listening to for months:
If I could open my arms
And span the length of the isle of Manhattan
I'd bring it to where you are
Making a lake of the East River and Hudson
If I could open my mouth
Wide enough for a marching band to march out
They would make your name sing
And bend through alleys and bounce off all the buildings
I wish we could open our eyes
To see in all directions at the same time
Oh what a beautiful view
If you were never aware of what was around you
And it is true what you said
That I live like a hermit in my own head
But when the sun shines again
I'll pull the curtains and blinds to let the light in
Sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole
Just like a faucet that leaks, and there is comfort in the sound
But while you debate half empty or half full
It slowly rises, your love is gonna drown
Accompanying Melody: "Somebody That I Used To Know"-Elliott Smith
Ok, so today...I GOT A CAR!
I knew this was going to happen soon, but goodness. Mom was all for surprising me, but Dad and Juliet thought (and I agree) that I should do the test driving. So today, my parents and I left the house because the maids were here, and I figured we were just going to kill time somewhere. Then my dad pulled into the dealership. Honestly, that's enough of a surprise for me. By the end of the day, I was certain which one I wanted, and Dad got it for me! I am now the owner of a used silver 2006 Hyundai Sonata with a light tan cloth interior and a huge trunk. It's pretty much everything I wanted. I never thought I'd get excited about a car, but I am definitely excited. Still have not worked out a name yet.
So now that I have the car, I can get my license, and I can get more practice, and then I can start visiting people!
Oh, and the salesman has an absolutely adorable son, and he wants me to babysit on a regular basis for $7 an hour. Sheesh. Responsibility comes at you fast.
Things are pretty cool, except for the part where my entire face feels like one big nose.
Accompanying Melody: "What I Say and What I Mean"-The Like
Thank you for all your responses. I was really shaken. I understand that not all men cheat and that women can. I also understand our whole biological make up that makes us not want to be monogamous naturally. I understand that people are separated by their actions rather than their impulses. These things were all in my mind when I wrote what I wrote. I just felt that frustration I feel so often in life when I finally learn for certain, or sometimes re-learn, that an aspect of life will always be unsatisfactory to me no matter what happens. I know the facts about what can be and what can't. I know marriages rarely retain the first date feeling and that temptation comes along. I just can't stand that eventuality. One of my biggest faults is my inability to accept things sometimes. I can't accept that my life will likely drive me into an inescapable inertia resulting in boredom, heartbreak, and loss along with all the other sweet things. Consequently I picture two scenarios. One is that I do become starry-eyed and marry someone, and all my worst fears sneak up on me at some point. The other is that I remain too afraid to live my life and stay aloof. Each is as likely as the other.
Speaking of romance, I recently found out Keegan has a new girlfriend. Indirectly by checking his away message. I looked up his myspace for more info to find that the url belonged to someone else now! So I searched his name and found the new one he made (which he did not add me on). Still pretty much no information. I have only slightly mixed feelings. I'm a bit irritated at him ditching his myspace and creating another one without adding me. But I'm actually just much more glad he found someone else. Maybe he'll stop spending so much time being bitter at me now. Though it bothers me how quickly he'll use the word love. That boy will be so surprised when his first wife files for divorce.
Oh, and I wound up being Mrs. Gibbs, which was my second guess. I came into this play knowing hardly anything about it, so I had no preference. Now that I've read about 3/4 of it, I doubt I have one now. I like my role. This should work out well.
I watched Harold & Maude again tonight. Never gets old. Always speaks to me. Unfortunately, I'm still a Harold.
Accompanying Melody: "The Littlest Birds"-Jolie Holland
So, apparently I went out for the middle school/upper school play tonight, which happens to be Our Town. I know, kids. Not to mention I am at least 3 years older than anyone else in the production. Slightly awkward there. But oddly not as much as I thought it would be. Katie Hendrix was pretty much on her knees begging me to audition because she didn't want to be alone, and she feels like she has to do it for college apps. So what the hell? I filled out a sheet. I did a scene with a girl named Chloe with me as Mrs. Webb and her as Emily. I pantomimed scrambling an egg. I made up a character who then had to be drunk, but somewhat trying to hide it (I decided my name was Wendy, and I just wasn't good enough to hold my man...but I'm over it! I'm livin' life...WAAAAH). I sang the last part in a round of Row Your Boat (or at least that's what happened, because I was the only person singing at a normal volume in my group). And my sister told me Wells said I was a good actress. That's kind of funny. He's a total ham. He managed to make pantomiming use of a laptop look subversive. She also said Alan (our director) looked at me with a pretty keen eye when I crouched down with my hands on my head at the "cocktail party." Things look good. I'm almost certainly going to wind up being someone's mother, but this a good thing, because being Emily...and answering to a 13 year old mother...would be weird. I'm not actually aiming at any particular role. My guess (for the sake of fun predictions) is Mrs. Webb. We'll see.
In other news: I slept over at Christine's last night. Good times. I met Otter all grown up (last time I saw her, I was feeding her from a bottle, and she looked like guinea pig). Christine has me create a character for myself on Warcraft...apparently she and the Grimsley-graduated Quakers are addicted. Like geek crack. She was on there for the entirety of Say Anything, "running" with them while they actually conversed with mics. That was a little eerie...to hear Thomas MacDonald's voice coming from the computer, talking about gaining various virtual items with the attack of a new foe. So yeah, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Say Anything, and Stage Beauty...Christine is now as much in love with Stage Beauty as I am. We were, admittedly, in a slightly altered state. But it was quite pleasant. In the morning, she delivered me to school a little late (we fell back asleep after the alarm). I met a guy named Nick at Tate Street Coffee around 1. We hadn't met previously, and my mom was having visions of 34 year old child molesters. *eye roll* I'm a very careful internet user. He's my age, he used to go to Southeast, and now he's at UNCG. Even has a sort of girlfriend. No skeeze. Not to mention meeting in a very public place in daylight. Anyway, that was a very nice chat, and we'll definitely hang out again. When he left, I headed over to Sisters and bought a really flattering brown dress half off and a pair of hoops earrings with, like, crocheted or knitted thingies in the middle.
I always feel the need to document a solidly good day. It reminds me that I have them.
Accompanying Melody: "Shh"-Frou Frou
You know, I've been thinking (yes, we all know that usually results in something bad). A lot of recent events and conversations have made me think of the way friendships change or even come and go. One month, I have someone I tell everything, and the next, something has separated us so that we are still friends but will never be the same. In the end, I have only myself. I wish I liked myself enough to enjoy that notion. People will always be a part of my life, but I can't rely on them. I can only try to enjoy them as they come. I'm not really depressed. I just feel like I'm starting to accept something that I never wanted to.
Accompanying Melody: "Closer"-Joshua Radin